Poison Princess by Kresley Cole (Review)

Release date: October 2 2012

Publisher: Simon and Schuster

Number of pages: 369

My rating: 1/5 stars

No matter what I do,

No matter where I go,
I can never get my $12 back.

(Yes, that was my lame-ass attempt at a poem)

Horrible. Absolubtely awful. This book was a crappy mess. It was boring, frustrating, and made me want to tear my hair out. I hated it so much that on my German exam, I drew a picture of me burning the book in a fireplace.

Oh, where to begin?

Well, Poisons Princess is about sixteen year old Evie after a post apocalyptic event shatters the world. Evie experiences horrible hallucinations, but then she discovers that they're really visions of the future.

Unfortunately, Evie and Jackson (The love interest) both survive.

I would have given this book five stars if they had both died in the first chapter.

Evie is stupid. She's such a useless character, and she always has to rely on Jackson. She's portrayed as the typical popular girl, but not very well.

"No one ever sat alone during my lunch period. No girl ever walked the hall with a wardrobe malfunction under my watch. I had even shut down the sale of freshman elevator passes on our one storey campus."

That paragraph makes me so angry. So the useless popular girl is nice. Who the hell does that stuff? That's ridiculous. Evie can't do anything. She's a sucky flat character with no personality.

The worst character by far in Poison Princess was Jackson. Jackson is a horrible drunk. He's a prick.

Wait, "prick" is too soft for him.

He's a total dickhead. Even worse than that actually, but I want to keep this review PG. He was so abusive as well as an alcoholic and a prick.

He's always pressuring evie to have sex with him.

"You're probably the last girl on earth for me! Would it kill you to put out?"

WTF?? And Evie still stays with this douchebag? God, did it ever cross his mind that maybe she wasn't ready for sex? You know what happens to girls who have sex with every guy who wants it? They get STDs. He was always drinking, which annoyed me as well.

Straight after Evie says no to him about sex, Selena comes along. Straight away, Evie is super jealous of her, just because she's good looking.

Well screw you, Evie. You're a weak-assed cardboard cut-out of a character. You can't even stand up for yourself.

Anyway, straight after Evie and Jackson fight about sex, Jackson has sex with Selena.

Ugh! What an asshole! If I was Evie, I would have shot him with his own pistol.

Another character who pissed me off was Mel, Evie's best friend. She was crazy and annoying.

"You have two choices, Grasshopper. Out-slut Clotile - or go Springer on her ass. I'm down for the assist in both situations."

Ahahahaa........ Seriously. GTFO before I slap you.

Another thing that annoyed me in this book was the slot plot. The action starts very, very late. Everything before that (and after, but the before was definitely bullshit) was bullshit.

The prologue hooks you right away, an innocent girl stepping into a strange house, who other girls locked in the basement to experiment on.

Then, we flash back in time and go through THIRTEEN chapters of teenage drama/bullshit. Ugh, it was so boring! I didn't give a crap about stupid Mel. I didn't give a crap about Evie possibly losing her virginity to her boyfriend.

And you know what? Those tedious chapters had NOTHING to do with the plot. All those people DIE. (Thank god.)

So I just read thirteen chapters of bullshit that had no relevance to the plot.

There was also one weird thing in the story. They live on a massive sugarcane farm. But there's no talk about how the get work done. No references to workers, and Evie and her Mother don't work there. There's no reference to machinery, or suppliers of anything. If you have paddocks and paddocks of green cane growing, you don't just leave it there.

People don't farm plants just for fun, you know.

And I didn't see any references to who took care of the horses, or any sort of excersize for the poor horses. In one point in the book, Evie mentions that they can't find a doctor, because the horse practically kneeled over while going to the neighbours.

Well, if your horse is dying from starvation, and can't even walk next door, why don't you just WALK? This doesn't make any sense!

Jackson, being Cajun had an accent. A really annoying one. He'd talk in half French half English, which got really annoying. Evie would translate, but it still annoyed me. Instead of saying "going" or "don't" he would say "goan" and "doan." This was unnessecary and irritating.

A definite plot hole in the book was that when the Flash happened, it turned everything into piles of ash, decimating almost all life, and destroying all plants.

But houses stayed intact.

WTF? So Evie's house isn't damaged at all, and the barn (which is made out of wood and stores hay, which are both highly combustible) are intact? The people fell into piles of ash! How the hell would a WOODEN barn survive?

Selena, a character who comes in the later parts of the book has a SWIMMING POOL and a massive mansion, with different wings and everything. Her massive supplies of food and other nessecities was never explained.

Also, many men survived the Flash, but very few women did. Why? Do women burn better than men? Seriously! Why can't you explain your plot devices?

So many things about this book angered me, and I struggled all the way to the end, where I threw the book on the floor and let out some sort of angry, guttural cry.

I would not reccomend this to anyone, and I will not be reading the next book.

Fingers crossed that everyone in this book dies a horrible, painful death.